Pharmhystericals
By
Tom Wachunas
“…Drug names often contain subtle linguistic
cues that are the product of a high-stakes creative exercise that marries the
magic of marketing with consumer psychology and scientific testing….”
- Amy Nordrum, from her article in International Business Times (6/24/15)
Here’s a link to the
article:
portmanteau - noun
port·man·teau | \ pȯrt-ˈman-(ˌ)tō
plural
portmanteaus or portmanteaux\ pȯrt-ˈman-(ˌ)tōz \
1:
a large suitcase
2:
a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or
more distinct forms (such as smog from smoke and fog)
One of the
many reasons offered by big pharmaceutical companies for the staggering retail prices
of prescription medications has to do with recouping (or anticipating) the high
cost of continuing research, development, and of course, marketing. Somebody has to pay for all those
riveting, state-of-the-art television commercials about drugs with funny names,
usually accompanied by innocuous music, and gently narrated with cautionary
litanies of side effects, including a reminder to tell your doctor about any
other medications you’re currently taking (just in case he or she has forgotten),
even though you (and maybe your doctor?) can’t remember how to pronounce, much
less spell them.
Who comes up
with this stuff anyway? Professionals. And we pill-poppers contribute to their
paychecks. If you’re of a mind to click on the link above, you’ll read that
yes, there is supposedly a scientific protocol, an officially sanctioned
rationale and procedure, for naming medications. It’s all a bit complicated,
certainly.
That said, I’ve often imagined drug companies having a designated
office area with big fancy letters emblazoned on the entry door: Arcane Nomenclature Development, or
Whacky Word Research, or Lunatic
Locution Laboratory. How about Daffy
Diction Department? Better yet, Pharma-Portmanteaux
Administration.
A fantasy. Let’s say I’m interviewing for a
job in one of those imagined departments at, say, Johnson & Johnson, or
Pfizer. To test my biomedical acumen, I’ve been asked to name some of their newest
medicines. Here are some of my answers:
Guys, try AKTLYKAMAN
for an energy supplement; for curing
acne, ZAPAZIT; for eliminating those
pesky aromas after an intestinal explosion,
NEUTRAPHART; for obesity, LOOZALDAFLAB;
for chronic clumsiness, ANTIKLUTZINOL;
for sleep apnea, DOZALNITE; for
foot fungus, TOZARCLENE. And so forth.
“Thanks, but much too
silly,” said the interviewer as he showed me the door, adding, “We’re very
serious about our work here.” In my defense, I explained to him that the test had
triggered another of my many HWS episodes – Hyperactive Wordplay Syndrome. I’m
actually quite fond of the condition, though, and relieved to know there’s no
pill for it.
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